loving her as much as hating her

When the conditions are RIGHT, everything goes WRONG.

I am a total jerk. Lovey-dovey things aren't my things. I am always amazed by how people can be so expressive toward those near them - classmates, housemates, friends, even their own family members.

I am an egoist too. They say that man craves for 3 things - things that satisfy hunger, sex and ego. Ego tops my list. Apologizing, thanking, appreciating, being tolerable (instead of troublesome) and consoling, are not deeds recorded by malaikat Raqib, I suppose.

For being such a 'kera sumbang', I'm indeed deserved to be deserted. One of my friend (who is, for most of the time, not in good term with me) is having one of the cold war series with me. And me, being a cold-hearted, emotionless jerk just let everything be as it was without trying to put things into the right order. Indeed, my words and actions are damaging! We were no longer keeping in touch.

Until one day, I heard she lost her loved one. She was devastated. If I was there, I believe I would be of no help because again, I'm a cold-hearted, emotionless 'kera sumbang'. But, somehow I wished I was there because I just wished so. I tried to reach her, but to no avail.

Pondering over her devastation again and again only forges me into the verge of tears. I don't know what went wrong with me. Only then I realized, I do love her as much as do I hate her. And I love wishing that she is away from me as much as I love being near her.

Today, I sent her a card, trying to reach her and telling her that I do care. Before signing it, I wrote down - loving you as much as hating you.

Hope it arrives as soon as possible to my friend and may, by Allah's permission, my 'damaging words' could ease her pain a bit, if not all.

'Dan sesungguhnya Dialah yang menjadikan orang tertawa dan menangis.'

(An-Najm 53:43)